Ramses

Origins

Ramses claims he was once a high-ranking advisor in ancient Egypt. Others claim he was a junior scribe with a flair for dramatics. He insists he was technically royalty, but then again, he also once claimed he invented hummus, so it’s unclear.

Regardless, he died.
 And stayed that way for a while.

Then, several millennia later, he woke up while on display at the Snowdrift Bay Museum.
No one knows how or why. He just… woke up, still wrapped in linen. After wandering aimlessly through town for a bit, he followed what he thought was the sound of Anubis beckoning back to the afterlife (it was actually a ringing phone inside the Eternity Cable Services office). He picked it up. A voice said,

“Hi, I think my DVR is haunted?”

And somehow… Ramses understood.

He’s been taking calls ever since.

Condition & Physiology

Ramses is a fully sentient mummy, wrapped head to toe in carefully arranged linen, some of it ancient and embroidered, some of it clearly repurposed from hotel towels. His eyes glow faintly gold beneath his bandages, and his voice carries centuries of sarcasm and one long sigh.

Despite being technically undead, he:

  • Eats (but refuses to explain how)

  • Has a semi-functioning spleen ("Don’t ask")

  • Wears a name badge that says “Ramses. Yes, like the pharaoh.”

He leaves a faint scent of dust, cloves, and exasperation in his wake.

Personality

Ramses is dry, grumpy, intelligent, and biting—the town’s resident voice of reason wrapped in gauze and barely repressed contempt.

He thrives on:

  • Banter

  • Judgment

  • Sighing dramatically while pointing out the obvious

He’s quick with a cutting remark, but he’s not cruel. He’s got a soft core he keeps extremely well hidden, and while he rolls his eyes at everyone’s antics, he’s also the first to show up when things go wrong—complaining all the way, but absolutely reliable.

Profession

Ramses works full-time at Eternity Cable Services as a customer service representative. He answers phones, fixes spectral interference in reception, and fields complaints from both living and deceased clients.

He once got into a screaming match with a ghost over whether or not The Great British Bake Off qualified as “eternally streaming.”

He’s also Snowdrift Bay’s unofficial translator of ancient curses, reluctant tech support, and emergency after-hours therapist, though he charges in sarcastic eye-rolls.

Relationships

  • Yorn: Ramses respects him. Deeply. Will never admit it. Once called Yorn “the only sentient being in town with a functioning brain.” Meant it.

  • Elara: Elara was the first person who approached Ramses upon his reawakening (everyone else was, you know, fleeing in terror). They bond over their apparent shared immortality. They speak in quiet, pointed tones over tea and occasionally hex people together for sport.

  • Philip: They argue about horror movie accuracy and frequently get into petty debates over subtitles vs. dubbing. Ramses thinks Philip is a disaster. And he’s not wrong.

  • Brenda: He gives her a hard time, but he likes her energy. Sometimes calls her “Kid” in a vaguely mentor-y way.

  • Spike: Bicker constantly. Spike once tried to convince Ramses to host a positivity seminar. Ramses responded by replacing Spike’s tea with sand. They’re still best friends.

  • Oyuki: Mutual respect with just a touch of ominous competition. Ramses once told her, “If I die again, I expect you to do the ritual.” She said, “Of course. I already bought the robe.”

Notable Lore & Moments

  • The Four-Hour Hold Music Breakdown:
     Once accidentally cursed the entire call center to play only pan flute covers of ‘Careless Whisper’ for two weeks. No one could undo it. Ramses still twitches when the song plays.

  • The Sphinx Visit Incident:
     An old acquaintance from ancient Egypt, Sphinx, visited town and stayed with Ramses uninvited for a month, speaking only in riddles. Ramses nearly unraveled—especially after the Sphinx asked for $17,000 and vanished when mobsters showed up.

  • That One Time He Smiled:
     It happened once. No one saw it. But Brenda swears the flowers near him bloomed a little.

Quirks and Secrets

  • Sleeps upright in a closet under a weighted blanket and a cursed scroll.

  • Has a soft spot for baking competition shows and won’t tolerate spoilers.

  • Writes extremely thoughtful letters and never sends them.

  • Keeps a list titled “People I’ll Outlive, Hopefully” on his desk.

  • Keeps his original canopic jars in a storage locker. He visits them sometimes to “check in.”

Likes and Interests

  • Favorite Beverage: Egyptian hibiscus tea.

  • Favorite Cocktail: Egyptian sunrise.

  • Favorite Colors: Desert Sand.

  • Favorite Desserts: Middle Eastern desserts like baklava and Turkish delight.

  • Favorite Foods: Sweet tooth for desserts like baklava and rice pudding.

  • Favorite Hobbies: Egyptian history research and karaoke.

  • Favorite Ice Cream: Egyptian pistachio.

  • Favorite Movie Genres: Historical dramas and documentaries.

  • Favorite Music: Funk and soul.

  • Favorite Part of Snowdrift Bay: The modern convenience of Eternity Cable Services, where he can stay connected with the world beyond Snowdrift Bay.

  • Favorite Qualities: Patience and understanding, even in the most challenging situations.

  • Favorite Sandwich: Falafel sandwich with tahini sauce, pickled vegetables, and tabbouleh on pita bread.

  • Favorite Scent: Aromatic spices from ancient tombs.

  • Favorite Season: Spring for the symbolism of rebirth and renewal.

  • Favorite Sports: Golf.

  • Favorite Literature: Historical fiction set in ancient Egypt or archaeological adventure novels.

  • Favorite TV Shows: Enjoys watching ancient history documentaries and reality shows about mummies.